Part of the reason I stayed in my marriage was because while on the surface, I appeared to be a woman who knew her value and could appreciate the value I saw others find in my actions......deep inside, I didn't know my actual self-worth.  I had been taught all my life that I was a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me.  That I was of infinite worth and that I mattered on all levels seen and unseen for the simple fact of my Divine heritage.  I knew that on the surface.  What I mean by knowing it on the surface is that I knew it because it was something that was talked about in my daily life as an LDS woman and as I taught my daughter to believe in herself.  What I didn't know then and can see now in hindsight is that while I believed this superficially, deep inside I had been what my therapist calls "brainwashed".  I had been deeply hurt and maligned into thinking that I was of absolutely no value unless "he" said I was.  My ex-husband wanted his cake and to eat it all day and night too.  He groomed me from our first days to believe that I was exactly what he said I was on any given day.  This is why I was on an emotional roller coaster for 24 years (1 year of dating and living together and 23 years of marriage).  After many years, when I sought for the healing in my soul and the capacity to forgive the things he had done and was doing to me, I began to refer to what went on in our home as a roller coaster. This is my first recollection of my wanting for something different and searching for a way to facilitate that change.   For anyone looking in.....they would probably pinpoint me as the culprit or the operator of the ride.  That said, I know that he was in control of my every move.  Others wouldn't  know because they couldn't be privy to our conversations.  They would only be able to see my reactions to his heinous behavior on a daily basis.  He often referred to me as being the cause of our problems......of course he did.  I don't mean to sound flip.  I simply want to place the responsibility of things where they belong.  The ride began because although he was "grooming" me to do what he wanted...I was fighting it.  Hence the roller coaster ride.  In order to keep me on the tracks he had to continually show a force that would push against whatever emotions I was exhibiting while I struggled to come to terms with the confusion in my life.  He is a very cunning man.  He still does this today with my children.  Abusers are smart....be it a man or a woman.....don't kid yourself and think they aren't.  They are.  I'm here to tell you......indeed they are.

I was a lost lost soul.

If you feel like you are on this same type of roller coaster.....STEP OFF.  Evaluate your core beliefs and see if the way you are being treated by your partner is helping you grow or causing you to cower.  If the treatment you are receiving doesn't facilitate physical, emotional and spiritual growth from within yourself then there is something amiss.  It is more than okay to step off this ride.  It will be scary and it won't feel right because you will not be doing what your partner wants you to do......but you have to begin to regain the respect for yourself that you need to become a healthy individual again.  Our abusers would have us to think they can find someone better than us right around the corner.  This isn't true.  Heavenly Father made us each with our own set of unique qualities.  We are truly of Divine Design.

YOU ARE OF INFINITE WORTH.................accept nothing less than the best treatment of you.  You deserve all the good that is waiting for you.

PHOENIXRISING

I found this on a private FB page I frequent:

When you try to value yourself for being the best in something, you are bound to fail. Even Olympic champions are the best only for a few years. You are precious to God not because there is no one better than you, but because you are a unique creation of mind, body and spirit, there is no one like you, and that is exactly what makes you so indescribably precious. ~unknown